San Junipero

I once watched one of this episode on the Black Mirror series, San Junipero. It tells you about the new world people could live in. That life after death where you could do literally ANYTHING that you wished you had in your real world, like meeting the new people or your people, but in a different circumstances, creating your own wish and visiting new places. You could be younger, older, skiing in an avalanche, running on the beach, anything. Anything that life couldn't give you.

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I was actually waking up on the same exact time every morning (except when I have to deal with some early clients. Around the same time, with the exact same feeling every day, "here we go again," I said. Does life supposed to feel this suffocated every damn morning I open my eyes? Taking my laptop to the bed, open up my schedule that day and start feeling powerless to the schedule I'm stuck in. What's my purpose? Is this 'being alive' feels like?

Is it the life that I want?

All my life I feel like I've been stuck in a cage, small small cage. Sometimes I fly, but still, with the chain on. Sometimes I feel like it's all enough. I got enough food, (seemly) enough space, enough purpose, but some other time or rather mostly, I feel caught up. Am I supposed to just sit here in a tight cage, flying with the chain on and the second after feeling scratch on my feet? I don't even know if being a bird in a cage was my thing. Do I want to fly higher and further? Where do I want to be instead of this cage? How far can I reach, or how beautiful my wings could be? Would that be enough?

What kind of bird am I?

I didn't get much life experience myself from living in a cage. But lucky I learned quite a lot from my clients. They said I should be the one who knows more of life, to be able to help them. But little did they know, I was the one being helped. The vitality I've lost during the force of breaking out and regaining the tissues, I found when I met people who give me skies and world I've never faced. Metaphorically and literally. 

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If I've got that chance to be able to enter the San Junipero, then what kind of world it would be for me? What would I do, what would I wanted to be in my 'life' then, cause I, most probably, like right now, I will be clueless. People decide for me most of the time, the only time when I can decide my own is....when I got rejected or...die.

What would be the picture of my San Junipero? A carefree woman walking down the bar downtown? Or driving my own Range Rover to the northeast beach of the country? Hitting the girl next door? What would I be?

What would be better? 

Being alive in the death or living a lifeless spirit?